Holy fuck man I read about half of that before I had to stop, it's fucking depressing. We told you YEARS ago to get out and yet you are still there, and your situation is worse.
You have two choices:
1. Leave her, move away, make some sort of normal life for yourself
2. Live the rest of your life being some psycho's doormat
Originally Posted by Devec
WoT: Redglare[VPG]
heh yeah, couldn't leave than, can't leave now, i reckon i'll just snap at one point and fuck some whale being sure that she'll caught me.
It WILL put her to a hospital for some time, though...
Although, she is kind of catching on the cut of my jib, i absolutely refuse to talk with her about any kind of long term plans, we never ever EVER talk about marriage and/or children and if she strays anywhere near that i simply cut her off or shut up.
edit: typos
Last edited by shoki; July 30 2012 at 02:13:30 PM.
ingame: AntonioBanderas
Detecting epic potential, expecting epic fail.Ah yes, the fork: The poor man's trident
whoo boy.
So, she doesn't live with you? Is that' for some cultural reason or something ... seems a bit strange that you've let it go this far for so long without a permanent cohabitation (regarding social situation etc). I think I remember the SHC posts tho.
And I recognize so so many things in what you write. That will to make her happy, to set it right for her and help her along. Her mental issues make her an easy target for "helpers" as well.
What I did was get so stuck on the sympathetic feelings that I somewhere mistook them for love or infatuation. The part about you deciding to stick with it... as I did. So much have been invested that you don't want to face it.
I'm not going to say anything about what you should do but instead tell you what I did. Anecdotal as it may be...
I dumped her. It helped a lot that she fucked around in the end but I only suspected that at the time (it got out afterwards). Anyway, I was about to end it either way.
It was her life and she had to make her own way through it. I had mine to live and that wasn't how I wanted it to be.
What I would like to remind you is that you think again about that edit. Make sure you aren't mistaking strong feelings of responsibility for strong feelings of omgbemywife.
We realized that the last time around, hf continuing on the downward spiral of depression and misery.
Get help shoki. You are literally in an abusive relationship. She's not beating you up but she's pretty much mentally and socially torturing you. Get help.
first, oh god big NOPE to OMGBEMYWIFE
we aren't cohabitating because a) i still live with my parents (perfectly normal here) and b) i'm not too keen on living with her because that would bring me closer to 'tying the knot', which i see more like securing the noose. I simply refuse it and won't even consider it. WAAAAAY too much baggage.
Your gf was different in one crucial regard: she wasn't literally alone in the world. She wasn't confined to her 4 little walls because there was absolutely nowhere else for her to go.
Yes, i feel massively responsible for her, and i know it's 100% irrational. Can't really go against myself.
@FatFreddy
I know, all my mates tell me the same
She's like a incredibly beautiful jewl covered in massive amounts of shit. You want to play with it and it's really nice to play with it and you love it, but you can't help but get shit stains all over yourself.
edit:
@Mrenda
Heh, here's the thing: the emotional abuse is practically over, it stopped with Zoloft (God bless it). But i'm just left with results.
I'm changed too, incredibly. I've hardened up inside, have zero tolerance for her shit now, but i still feel responsibility.
When she gets her fit (usually because she runs out of meds) i tell ehr to fuck off, we're on a mother of all warpaths for several days. In that time she doesn't leave the room because she has nowhere to go to, she doesn't eat because she has nothing to eat. She barely sleeps and all she does is cry and smoke.
edit2: and yet, i love her like a stupid dog.
she's not lazy, she's not gold digging or leeching off of me (nothing to dig for lol). She feels such a responsibility to pay back for the things i do she does all the house chores she can catch (which is going on my nerves immeasurably). She wants to help as much as she can, she can't sleep because of how she worries for her younger brother (not the drunk one) because he's in such a shit situation and she can't help...
Not long ago i was driving her and there was a guy auto stopping (don't know the right term) in the middle of a highway, and you could see that he's in a bad shape. Me, being soft as i am, stopped and offered him a ride. He has all his belongings in his backpack, going home from capital because he lost his job. I decided to buy him a fucking sandwich 'cause he was starving (i never give money, but i always buy food for those i find needy) and she wanted to give me her last 20 kunas (like 3$) to buy him that sandwitch....
Last edited by shoki; July 30 2012 at 02:54:40 PM.
ingame: AntonioBanderas
Detecting epic potential, expecting epic fail.Ah yes, the fork: The poor man's trident
Just as a sidenote: Those hospitals? They are there for a reason. Might be a good idea to go into one anyway, at least for a while. In any case, keeping her out of a hospital should not be the one aspect you strife for.
Yes, you are left with the results of abuse, the continuance of which is you still being abused.
You shouldn't have to harden up. Despite the masses of romantic comedies a good relationship isn't one where someone changes. You might improve your life through shared experience. Hardening up isn't a positive improvement. That's the equivalent of saying, "Ah, sure the bruises only last a few days now."I'm changed too, incredibly. I've hardened up inside, have zero tolerance for her shit now, but i still feel responsibility.
This is emotional abuse. She is using her situation (whether intentionally or simply through lack of care) to control you. You have no duty to her when you are so miserable yourself. Stop holding out for the miracle day she sorts herself out. You are becoming miserable in the process. The only person you owe care to is yourself. You can choose to care for someone else, but in this case it isn't simply not being reciprocated, she is actively causing you pain and suffering.When she gets her fit (usually because she runs out of meds) i tell ehr to fuck off, we're on a mother of all warpaths for several days. In that time she doesn't leave the room because she has nowhere to go to, she doesn't eat because she has nothing to eat. She barely sleeps and all she does is cry and smoke.
Look at the words you're using. Look at what you're saying about yourself. You're comparing yourself to a stupid dog. This is not good, it's not healthy, it's not the way relationships are supposed to work. Seriously, go back and read through what you've been posting. If a female friend came to you and told you all of this what would your reaction be? You are smart enough to recognise anyone else in such a situation is being abused. Care about yourself as much as you would care about anyone else in your life.edit2: and yet, i love her like a stupid dog.
This isn't a different case. It's not that we don't understand. She is not good for you. She's not going through a tough patch. She is making you miserable. Read your own posts.
she went for a while, but the state of medical system is atrocious.
They give you meds and 'see you in 6 months'. So, unless you're homicidal or suicidal, you literally get 2-3 hours of counselling a year.
Private ones charge a fucking arm and a leg and i'm not a fucking centipede.
And than her doctor got transferred somewhere and it's a BIG thing for her to get a new one, and go through all that shit again.
Trust me, for first several years my only goal was for her to get some professional help. It's easier said than done, even if she wants to get some.
edit:
@mrenda: I KNOW.
k, off from work now, ♥ you all
ingame: AntonioBanderas
Detecting epic potential, expecting epic fail.Ah yes, the fork: The poor man's trident
I see you choose option 2 then...
Look at yourself, all your posts are about HER needs, what SHE needs, how much HER healthcare would cost you.
Grow some self respect and get a life of your own.
WoT: Redglare[VPG]
You need to push her to become independent, get her a shitty job, etc, small steps like these, even do voluntary work. Otherwise she'll never change.
Hey, I just met you,
and this is crazy
but here's my number,
so call me, maybe?
He needs to push himself out the fucking door.
You can't fix other people, man. All you can do is be infected by them.
Status of Babby: 100% Formed
Yeah, what others have said above. You've done a lot to help her already, but you're not going to fix everything that is wrong with her by yourself.
Break up with her and if possible, see how she manages without any "friend-level" contact at all. Stop shitting on yourself, you know you want to!
Spoiler:
You could say he is shitting on his own balls.
WoT: Redglare[VPG]
@Phrixus: I don't think it's necessarily wrong to send that letter, as long as you think it will genuinely make a difference to her. If you think it'll only stir shit up, don't do it, not even if it makes you feel better yourself.
@FatFreddy: That's a tough one, sorry to hear it. It must have been difficult for you to watch that decline. I would personally probably let him know that you are just done with him, in a neutral as tone as possible. Pretty sure the letters will keep on coming otherwise.
@Shoki, I really have no words. Let me tell you about my uncle and you can draw your own conclusions. My uncle was a very charming, outgoing young man with a gazillion girlfriends. One day he met a really nice girl that had had a shit life. Abuse, not a lot of skills, horrid family, mental problems - but hey, she was nice and she needed someone to take care of her. Perhaps my uncle liked the feeling of being needed, who knows. They married. They had kids. My aunt continued to have no skills, except possibly for spending all the household's money because.. well, she didn't have any skills at life either. Despite that, I will say she was a nice person - if you didn't share a household with her. My uncle was out a lot, working. My aunt felt lonely and had an affair. The kids grew up. My aunt was not very capable of raising them, so that ended with her trying to beat up the oldest in order to 'get her to listen'. This girl nearly successfully committed suicide and moved out when she was 18 (she's in a good place now, but that's neither here nor there). The other one moved out when she was 16 to cohabit with a 27 year old. My uncle considered a divorce somewhere before then. My aunt got wind of it. Now my uncle hasn't had contact with the rest of his family for 15+ years, they are still married, he still takes care of her and they are stuck in their own poisonous cycle.
You can say you won't marry her, but by staying with her you effectively make sure you will never marry someone else either. Don't be my uncle - my aunt is a nice person, but she ruined a lot of lives without consciously meaning to, including his. And he let it happen.
What all the others have said.
You think she will ever get better?
You said it yourself, your not seeing yourself spending the rest of your life with her. So how long are you gonna stay around while she deals with her issues?
Your 29 now, suddenly you'll be 35,39, 40 etc, and your still stuck in the same place, with the same issues.
Shoki have you ever wondered why women who are beaten by their husbands stay with them (not the ones too scared to leave, the ones who actively defend their husband)?
You are the male equivilent of that. You have a weird kind of stockholm syndrome. The affection you feel for her isnt love, its sympathy and guilt - all part of her manipulation. You arent helping her by being there, you are enabling her.
We said all this several years ago when it looked like you would finally make a break for freedom, but you haven't. What have those years achieved? Is she more independent now? No of course not, you are just more miserable.
You are trying to end your relationship by being passive aggressive about your long term plans. Why not actually talk to her about it?
You keep saying "she has nothing and noone" which is a) bullshit and b) irrelevant. Loads of people on this forum have moved to new countries where they ahve known literally noone and had no support network - they make it work. People do what they have to do. She has relatives that you think are shitty but at least interact with her. She has (one assumes) the better part of a degree, What stops her getting a part time job or even a full time one? YOU DO with you pathetic enabling behaviour.
edit: also how the fuck has she not finished uni yet?
Last edited by Lallante; July 30 2012 at 05:17:06 PM.
You make a hell of a lot of excuses for why she never improves. Something to think about, but you are literally a textbook case of denial.
The worst part of this story is that your aunt might have turned into a decent person if she hadn't had someone (*your uncle) to take care of her. HAving to make her own way in the world would have forced her to learn life skills which in turn would have changed her attitudes and self-respect.
True. I fully expect she'd have found another enabler, though. She has some very real mental issues and is a master manipulator, as people with that type of disorder so often are. In a perfect world there would be no such enablers as my uncle nor such sad cases (and yes, she is one) as my aunt...
Posting Permissions
Bookmarks