This year is probably going to suck as much as the last one.
Why did XR get banned
I have a night of nothing.
Right now, I'm seeing the base shrink. I hate her. I was on base less than 2 months, and my CO (who was my section officer back in the day), recommended I see the said shrink, because "[you] seem to be dead set on self-destruction. I'm not worried your gonna hurt yourself, physically, or get your boys hurt, but I am afraid that when you get out your going to be a bigger mess than ever. Your going, its not optional." Then he gave me a long speech about how he knew I wouldn't use it as an excuse to get discharged, how he knows I don't think I can survive in the civilian world... Anyway, I go to the shrink. So said shrink keeps dumping this hippy dippy "embrace who you are" shit. Seriously dude, after all the shit I've done? I think ANYTHING else is worth embracing BUT that. I hate the fucker, and hope she chokes on a pretzel and dies. Meanwhile, my ex, and some of you may remember that issue from SHC, the one who I felt kinda legitimized the things I've done in uniform? Well, she sends me a nice, 4 page letter. She misses me, yadda yadda, why'd I re-enlist without telling her, yadda yadda, couldn't believe I got shot and didn't tell her... The worst part is, we are on prep for the next 2 weeks, which means no missions, operations, patrols, or sweeps to help me get my mind off all that shit. Of all the people that had to write, why the fuck did it have to "Gossamer's Baggage: the Ex-Girlfriend" who wrote? Thankfully, my shrink doesn't know about her, so I have don't have to listen to it every Tuesday.
Thing with therapists is that it doesn't work unless you find one that connects with you. From reading what you wrote, I think it could very well be helpful to you to see someone. Just not the one you're seeing now...
Today was a good day, long distance GF and I had an hour long skype conversation where we decided to take a break until she gets back, I'm fairly sure this is so she can fuck manly canadian men but it's okay because I have a plan B fuckbuddy.
I'm mostly mad she didn't tell me this last night because I could have gone to said fuckbuddies house and had goodtimes...
Oh well. Alcohol time.
Felt like a combination of things actually: Getting a deep stab, a searing burn, worst sprain of my life, and having shit actively being pulled out of socket, a soaked sock, and a seething cavity. I don't recommend it. I've gotten shrapnel in the skin, had two bullets hit my back plate and penetrate into my shoulder, but that was the first I ever had one go in one side and out the other.
As to the shrink, I just really, really hate going. I think on some level I know I have a few issues, but on another much larger level I refuse to believe I'm the slightest bit fucked up by the life I've been leading. I've honestly become numb to some things that literally used to shake me up with soul wrenching agony for days. I dont have nightmares. I'm afraid to die, and certainly not looking to check out early. But I don't let my fear rule me. I enjoy the excitement of being out, but I get jittery right before heading out. I feel normal. My CO, the Shrink... the petty officers and chiefs? Well, no one will outright say what they think. I just keep getting told I'm not the same person I was years ago. Like I was some kinda nice guy or some bullshit like that. I know I've made some tough calls, none of which haunts me anymore. I'm not proud of some of the things I've done, and I think what I do sucks, but it doesnt keep me awake at night. I dont feel nuts, and my performance isn't affected in any way... And if the newbies are afraid of me, well, I can work with this...
I think I just hate having my peers think I'm in some way inadequate, you know?
Last edited by Bared; January 1 2012 at 10:41:02 AM.
My completely-unhampered-by-any-professional-knowledge opinion is that all of us have issues; some more serious than others. Time & life have evened out some of mine, but I would hesitate to call myself normal or even all that well adjusted. What matters is that you find a way to deal with your life and a measure of happiness with what/who you are. Sometimes you need a little help from a professional to give you 'a handle', a way to make things OK or better. IMO, nothing to be ashamed of. If it was, I should be deeply embarrassed and many FHC'ers with me, I'm guessing. In short, I think you are too hard on yourself and should consider some other angles. Have a good 2012
Also, have decided based on your description that my new year's resolution is not to get shot. If can manage, that will be a new year's resolution every year from now on.
Ahhhh now I feel emo, was wondering when that would happen...
These two things are kind of mutually exclusive. I'm not saying you're "fucked up" or anything, but the stresses of the military (especially in a combat zone) are completely unique. It's extremely unlikely that you weren't affected by this at all, and if you're becoming desensitized it's obviously having some kind of an affect. There are varying theories on how normal this is or how much individual differences play a role in exactly how it works; most of them are bullshit.I've honestly become numb to some things that literally used to shake me up with soul wrenching agony for days.
It would be kind of bullshit if they aren't doing this, and from what you said earlier it sounds like your CO is being pretty straight up with you about the matter so I'm not really sure that's the case. As for the shrink, they come in varying degrees of bullshit-dishing. Just like you're not friends with everyone you meet, you're not going to be able to work with every shrink out there. When you find one that you're able to work with effectively, it's going to help you quite a bit. And, to be fair, my honest opinion is that they actually are telling you what they think; it's just not what you want to hear. You're disregarding what they're saying because it doesn't fit with your view of yourself, however positive or negative that view may be.My CO, the Shrink... the petty officers and chiefs? Well, no one will outright say what they think.
I don't know what branch you're in, I don't know if you're an NCO or not. I don't know if you're a POG. None of it really matters though. Nobody is going to think less of you because you talk to a shrink. Nobody is going to think you're not able to handle your shit because you talk to someone about the things that bother you. There are numerous recent studies that show a massive correlation between PTSD and people who see shrinks during or following deployment (the percentage of PTSD affected individuals is far lower if you talk to a shrink). If you're an NCO the best thing you can do is set an example that it's perfectly fine to see the on-base staff if you need to talk to someone. They really are there to listen and to help you work through things. People aren't going to judge you for using them. Nobody can cope with the stress of combat perfectly, most people can't even really begin to do it. Delayed onset PTSD is going to be a huge problem with this generation and it's something that we're really just starting to get a good grip on.I think I just hate having my peers think I'm in some way inadequate, you know?
The mental heath thread in Food and Health might be worthwhile for you if you care to check it out.
e: wife has food poisoning, most hilarious NYE in a long time (for me, anyway)
Speaking of, tomorrow I have a date with a smoking hot Ginger of a nurse I met with her friend at the bar last night/this morning.
Ok, so friends and me were at friends apartment yesterday. Friends smoked a lot of pot and also took some pep and drank a lot. Myself, not taking any of these things, chatted with that girl. She's kinda like me, having friends who do some drugs while being perfectly clean herself. We're both students. Have both no own place (well, she has at least her own room in the dorm, i moved in with my parents for the moment until i know where my Bachelor-thesis will take place). Also being very timid and shy until she moved into dormitory (she said that herself), she propably had as much boyfriends as i had girlfriends: none!
So i chatted with her alot and we had kinda fun. At some time i walked with her to the dorm and we said goodnight (it was a short walk, yet i think noone should walk home alone at 4 o'clock in the morning anywhere). We exchanged some harmless text-messages today. Tomorrow i'll call here and take here to a movie (we already talked about it).
So we will go into a movie some day this week. Funny movie ... so, how to NOT fuck it up with her? Thing is, i totally can't read here because of my lack of experience. And as i said, i think she isn't experienced either ...
Lay a arm around here unasked? Ask here openly how she feels about it? Just chat with her? Going with her into a nice restaurant afterwards (well i definatly ask her if she wants to eat something)?
So, i guess tl/dr: What are the "do not"s?