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Thread: The Serious Mental Health Thread

  1. #3521
    Sacul's Avatar
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    @Cosmin
    What does it cost you out of pocket for a session?
    We bill 95e for a psychiater per half hour and 79e for a regular 40 minute session in Holland. With the correct refferal it is free of charge for clients/patients. And a punitive 60e for a no-show.

  2. #3522
    Cosmin's Avatar
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    Well, it isn't cheap, but around that. She's not a pshychiatrist, she's a therapist/psychologist, though. Also, managed to feel too ill from flu shit to make it (didn't attend work either), but rescheduled for next week. Hopefully will be all right meanwhile
    Guns make the news, science doesn't.
    Six shooters ruined PvP.
    What are you doing with your life?ęDoomchinchilla 2015

  3. #3523
    Lief Siddhe's Avatar
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    Been looking into this

    http://selfauthoring.com/

    (you can find older free templates on the interwebs)

    tl;dr it's facing your own demons in written form, because once you write/vocalize something, it starts a different process in your brain than just internalizing it. Makes sense, cause years ago I used to write blogs/columns, and in retrospect I see when I stopped doing it I became a worse person through the years.

    Feeling better, not sure if it's due to meds or a "natural" response of my brain after basically dying while still alive. Sorting my medical insurance out (I had none) so I can continue the psych treatment. I faced a lot of dark shit in myself, but I'm nowhere near sorting it out yet. I know it's gonna be an uphill battle vs myself for the rest of my life, but I gotta try to improve and not do the mistakes I've been doing all my life (basically self sabotage and making other people's lives miserable cause of self-hate).

    Wubba-lubba-dub-dub!

    edit: I've been researching mental issues and illnesses for years now, as a way to try self-curing. It obviously didn't actually help, although I think I now have a better understanding what makes all of us somewhat dysfunctional in a unique way. Anyway, I know it's bad to try and self-diagnose, but of all the things I read, I kinda found most of the symptoms I exhibit in these: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizo...ality_disorder and/or https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Avoida...ality_disorder
    Last edited by Lief Siddhe; January 27 2017 at 01:03:09 PM.
    I was somewhere around Old Man Star, on the edge of Essence, when drugs began to take hold.

  4. #3524
    Cosmin's Avatar
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    So, apparently my depression and anxiety scores are those of a normal person, not leaning into any of the pathological zones, so is all good. However, lots of frustration due to my lack of emotional regulation abilities and communication skills.

    DBT it is, then, yey.
    Guns make the news, science doesn't.
    Six shooters ruined PvP.
    What are you doing with your life?ęDoomchinchilla 2015

  5. #3525

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    I am normal. I have normal thoughts. What are we having for dinner, what's the weather like tomorrow, maybe I'll go to the gym tonight. I work a bit. Drink some coffee. Remember that I need to get a gift for my daughter, it's her birthday tomorrow. I think about what I'll get her. "Oh no, now it's starts" is all I have time to think.

    I am sick. I need help. It is building up. Faster and faster. I am angry. My thoughts are racing, much like zapping through the channel list looking for something decent on the TV. Work, projects, work, home, work again, a random conversation I had 15 years ago, faster and faster. Now I can't tell the difference between feelings and thoughts, it's just noise. Faster and faster, louder and louder. I try to drown it with music. It doesn't help. Maybe if I cut myself it'll stop I think. Then I tell myself I'm not there yet - and a voice inside my head says that "you'll be there soon, and that's when I win". The voice is using increasingly larger letters. It belongs to the monster that lives in my head. The voice that keeps me up at night. The voice that makes me so angry. The voice of my hatred. I don't know which scares me the most; that I am actually hearing voices, or that the voices doesn't belong to anyone, it's just a part of me.

    I see shadows at night. Shadows coming at me. I keep thinking that they're not really there, but they keep appearing more often, and they're getting closer. I try not to think about it. I disappear in my head. Time and location doesn't matter. On the bus, on my couch. I don't know what I am thinking about. I just stop focusing.

    I am dreaming. I'm in a cellar. There's a lot of people around, and they're cleaning the floor. Watching me. I think they might be Polish, or Ukrainian. I don't know what they're saying, but they are afraid of me. I can't understand why; I'm not dangerous. I keep walking, and realize I am in a tower. I keep going. The further up I get, the more worried the people watching me get. I wonder why. I tell myself I need to stop, only to realize that I can't. I keep going. I am at the top. I am getting really worried now. There's a large, wooden door at the end of the hallway. It's partly open, but it's pitch black inside. Without thinking, I walk towards it. I open the door fully, and the light reveal a man standing there. He looks quite ordinary, and is moving towards me. Upon closer inspection, he's missing half his head, and maggots are coming out of his brain. He's coming closer. I scream and wake. My pulse is racing, my palms are sweaty and I am not sure if I am awake or still sleeping. I keep thinking that if I go back to sleep, he'll get me. I am sick. I need help.

    I can't talk about feelings. My life is a collection of lies, designed to make me feel like it's connected, make me look normal. I don't know where the lies stop, and I begin. I can't tell the difference between feelings I have, and feelings I keep telling me I should have anymore. I don't think I have a personality, I am just pieces of people I think others will like. I'm not sure I exist.
    I have a moral code. A set of values, primarily inspired by various books and literary characters. A code I tell myself I model my life and decisions after. I realize that I don't follow my code. I lie, cheat and act like an idiot. I hate myself for doing it, but I can't stop. I don't have a moral code. I am just lies. I hate it. I hate myself.

    I punish myself. When I can't gather my thoughts and focus on work because I am so tired, I work some more. When I am exhausted from running, I run some more. When I am tired, I stay awake. When the music is so loud it hurts, I turn it up some more, and wonder if blood'll come out. I keep thinking that it would be a relief if it did. I like the pain that comes from pushing beyond the limit. It gives me control. I am about to loose control.

    When life is at it's worst; I think that it'll all be over soon. I just need to hang in there for a bit more. A few more years. Then I can let go. I dream about standing on the edge, closing my eyes and letting go. Sometimes I worry that I'll change my mind, regret it as I go over the edge. Then I think about living without two radio channels playing noise in my head. I think that I'll stick at it for a bit longer. Give my family financial security. I can keep at it for a year. Then one more. I can feel the pain now. I embrace it; make it mine.

    I am sick. I need help. I'm just not able to say so.

    Really, I'm fine.

  6. #3526
    Lief Siddhe's Avatar
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    nice copypasta. now fuck off.

    edit: if you're the same guy as the dude on reddit, let me just say go see a professional first and foremost.
    Last edited by Lief Siddhe; February 8 2017 at 09:50:28 PM.
    I was somewhere around Old Man Star, on the edge of Essence, when drugs began to take hold.

  7. #3527
    Super Baderator DonorGlobal Moderator cullnean's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lief Siddhe View Post
    nice copypasta. now fuck off.

    edit: if you're the same guy as the dude on reddit, let me just say go see a professional first and foremost.
    Haven't been following his posts have you.
    Quote Originally Posted by Elriche Oshego View Post
    Cullneshi the god of shitposting.

  8. #3528
    Movember '12 Best Facial Hair Movember 2012Donor Lallante's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lief Siddhe View Post
    nice copypasta. now fuck off.

    edit: if you're the same guy as the dude on reddit, let me just say go see a professional first and foremost.
    Dude its probably the same guy, look at the post history.

    Night - in your last most it said you were diagnosed bipolar, medicated (seronquel) and feeling better. Has that changed? Are you still on meds? Have you stopped seeing your therapist? Is it not working

  9. #3529
    Donor Sponk's Avatar
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    On the plus side, there's a lot of poetry in there. Very 9mother9horse9eyes9 in style.
    Contract stuff to Seraphina Amaranth.

    "You give me the awful impression - I hate to have to say - of someone who hasn't read any of the arguments against your position. Ever."


  10. #3530
    Lief Siddhe's Avatar
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    That is the only post I see in his profile post history, which I did find strange since it says 9 posts.

    Anyway, my advice still stands - professional help. Copy pasting your dark fantasy stuff from reddit to FHC doesn't do any good. Expressing original thoughts is required for progress.

    Might as well give my update:

    Finally got round to getting an ID card so I can sort out my health insurance so I can continue the psych evaluations and treatment. Didn't give a fuck for months to even get through that basic step of having legal paperwork. So I guess I can claim some improvement.
    Last edited by Lief Siddhe; February 9 2017 at 12:55:20 PM.
    I was somewhere around Old Man Star, on the edge of Essence, when drugs began to take hold.

  11. #3531

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    Quote Originally Posted by Lallante View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Lief Siddhe View Post
    nice copypasta. now fuck off.

    edit: if you're the same guy as the dude on reddit, let me just say go see a professional first and foremost.
    Dude its probably the same guy, look at the post history.

    Night - in your last most it said you were diagnosed bipolar, medicated (seronquel) and feeling better. Has that changed? Are you still on meds? Have you stopped seeing your therapist? Is it not working
    I'm still medicated, but increasing my dosage since I was/am more unstable again. Still seeing my therapist, but that isn't really helping so far. He's mostly interested in getting my dosage right - which I suppose is the most important. I don't know, it still feels like I'm on a roller coaster at times.

    Quote Originally Posted by Lief Siddhe View Post
    That is the only post I see in his profile post history, which I did find strange since it says 9 posts.

    Anyway, my advice still stands - professional help. Copy pasting your dark fantasy stuff from reddit to FHC doesn't do any good. Expressing original thoughts is required for progress.
    It's nice to see that you read /bipolar, but I'm the one that wrote it there. Thanks for the helpful replies though.

  12. #3532
    Sacul's Avatar
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  13. #3533
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    oh dear, i feel like a zombie

    a week ago i went back to some old habits (namely: playing planetside) and shit, i must have played like 30hours in the last 3 days. all the motivation/energy i had a few weeks ago seems to have vanished, instead of "hey, i could do <insert something i wanted to give a try>" i'm now mostly in the state of "don't bother me. i want to OHK some guys with my AP lightning!" (yes, that specific o_O).

    it's a self-perpetuating state of exhaustion - i ignored my plans on doing exercises and treating myself well (e.g. by cooking some healthy meals instead of ordering pizza). unsurprisingly i felt quite some reluctance today when waking up and thinking about all the things happening this week. meh.

    at least i was smart enough to uninstall steam as one of the first things this morning, vowing to myself to not touch it in a while.

  14. #3534
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    Quote Originally Posted by untilted View Post
    oh dear, i feel like a zombie

    a week ago i went back to some old habits (namely: playing planetside) and shit, i must have played like 30hours in the last 3 days. all the motivation/energy i had a few weeks ago seems to have vanished, instead of "hey, i could do <insert something i wanted to give a try>" i'm now mostly in the state of "don't bother me. i want to OHK some guys with my AP lightning!" (yes, that specific o_O).

    it's a self-perpetuating state of exhaustion - i ignored my plans on doing exercises and treating myself well (e.g. by cooking some healthy meals instead of ordering pizza). unsurprisingly i felt quite some reluctance today when waking up and thinking about all the things happening this week. meh.

    at least i was smart enough to uninstall steam as one of the first things this morning, vowing to myself to not touch it in a while.
    chill get together at my place planned for the 25th with lots of (finger)food, you are hereby invited (not 100% fixed, will sms you when it is)
    Quote Originally Posted by QuackBot
    Pastry.. That the best you can do?
    Quote Originally Posted by NotXenosis View Post

    M8, i have discussions that spam multiple accounts, you aren't even on my level

  15. #3535
    Movember '12 Best Facial Hair Movember 2012Donor Lallante's Avatar
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    Computer games seem to be like kerosene for the mental health bonfire in my experience. I can literally chart my mood from how many hours I'm playing.

  16. #3536
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    Quote Originally Posted by FatFreddy View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by untilted View Post
    oh dear, i feel like a zombie

    a week ago i went back to some old habits (namely: playing planetside) and shit, i must have played like 30hours in the last 3 days. all the motivation/energy i had a few weeks ago seems to have vanished, instead of "hey, i could do <insert something i wanted to give a try>" i'm now mostly in the state of "don't bother me. i want to OHK some guys with my AP lightning!" (yes, that specific o_O).

    it's a self-perpetuating state of exhaustion - i ignored my plans on doing exercises and treating myself well (e.g. by cooking some healthy meals instead of ordering pizza). unsurprisingly i felt quite some reluctance today when waking up and thinking about all the things happening this week. meh.

    at least i was smart enough to uninstall steam as one of the first things this morning, vowing to myself to not touch it in a while.
    chill get together at my place planned for the 25th with lots of (finger)food, you are hereby invited (not 100% fixed, will sms you when it is)
    thanks! looking forward to it

    Quote Originally Posted by Lallante View Post
    Computer games seem to be like kerosene for the mental health bonfire in my experience. I can literally chart my mood from how many hours I'm playing.
    yeah, i know this situation quite well. nothing beats a hectic video game when it comes to suppressing not-so-nice feelings. >_<

    this time it was a bit different. i installed it out of nostalgia, thinking "what could possibly happen? it's just a game. i should be able to play it in moderation." what i forgot in this instance - a few years ago i played it excessively (more than 500h over a few months o_O), practically using it to numb myself from my depression. well, after several hundred hours gaming not only you keep your muscle memory, but also (subconscious) patterns. today i actually was quite surprised how cranky i was over the weekend and how annoyed i felt after waking up today, repeating patterns from back then.

    realizing this over the day and also talking in the therapy about it, makes me quite optimistic for it to stay as a hiccup.
    Last edited by untilted; February 13 2017 at 01:54:31 PM.

  17. #3537
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lallante View Post
    Computer games seem to be like kerosene for the mental health bonfire in my experience. I can literally chart my mood from how many hours I'm playing.
    ahhh yes obsessively playing various editions of the Settlers......so sweet. Mind focused on getting that weapons chain setup just right to get lvl3 swordsman. Its bliss tbh.

  18. #3538
    Movember '11 Ginger Excellence Movember 2011Movember 2012 sarabando's Avatar
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    I am struggling today (tueday thread didnt help :s) its hard to explain how i am feeling other than "down" but if you ahve been drinking or smoking and then you get that fuzzy buzzing sensation its like that but not in a good way is the closest i can get to explaining it.
    I have decided to go to work today rather than wallowing at home.

  19. #3539
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lallante View Post
    Computer games seem to be like kerosene for the mental health bonfire in my experience. I can literally chart my mood from how many hours I'm playing.
    Sounds like you're playing the wrong games tbqh
    [img]http://orig14.deviantart.net/351d/f/2015/121/c/0/_cover_zing__krul_tepes_by_skanantene-d8rqmf5.png[/img]

  20. #3540
    Super Chillerator Global Moderator teds :D's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sacul View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Lallante View Post
    Computer games seem to be like kerosene for the mental health bonfire in my experience. I can literally chart my mood from how many hours I'm playing.
    ahhh yes obsessively playing various editions of the Settlers......so sweet. Mind focused on getting that weapons chain setup just right to get lvl3 swordsman. Its bliss tbh.
    oh fuck i loved the settlers back in the days of PCgamer shipping with demo cd's

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