It was a night like any other. The stars were glimmering off the hull of my Stiletto when Altean called out on comms that we were to evac Provi back to Assah and reship for what was to come. Augoror you say? Yes, captain my captain. As I climbed into the cockpit of my trusty steed, I wondered, have I lived a good life? How will I be remembered if I die this night? No time for such thoughts I tell myself as the undock orders come from our noble commander Altean.
As I undock I see some insignias I know and some I don't. Could it be, could we have some new friends in the gayborhood? The order goes out to warp to G5. As I enter warp the G-Forces thrust my body against my seat like Dave Lash's butt giving another guy a lapdance in one of the infamous Provi gay strip clubs. Our leader has a plan. We are going in light to attract the locals before we blow our load on them. The order goes out for CI to jump into G5 and warp to PF. The trap is set. We jump PF as the rest of the fleet jumps G5. And then....................... CRICKETS!!!!!
The infamous Of Sound Mind gate camp is nowhere to be found. Sighs were heard over comms, boners went flacid. Not to be discouraged, we head to KBP. But once again, all the way to KBP without a real defense fleet to be found. I can't tell if Flying dangerously was trying to fight or run and just got caught, but regardless, they got dumpstered.
The order was given to begin burning to HED-GP. Eye Eye Captain :salute: . The radio crackles and I hear a scout call out a BC / Augoror gang in our path. Is this the fight we came for? Will we all fight with valor? Then I hear it. The beeping. The beeping of a dump truck backing up getting ready to drop it's load on some scrubs. Boosh... they were no match.
Comms are oddly quite after the dump truck pulls away. You see, our work is not done. We are not full on the meat of our foes yet. We have the hunger. We will continue to HED, yes, oh yes we will. And it doesn't take long. Our scouts have been busy and they have a spai in TEST. And test is only a few jumps away. 35 man cruiser gang with logi you say? I'll take one of those please... To go if you could waitress! TEST must have been foaming at the mouth. Cruiser vs cruiser and they have us well outnumbered. But what they didn't know, what they couldn't have known, was we had one thing they didn't. Huge swinging fucking dicks, supported by balls the size of watermelons, and being slung around by one of the best dick slingers known to the parts, Altean (Ok, I know, that's 3 things, but fuck you). Before you know it, we jizzed all over TESTs face and ran down a few stragglers as they screamed help, I'm being raped!!!!!
Such an epic flight so far. Could there possibly be more? Our spai tells us TEST is forming an armor Oracle gang to drop on us, but with 6+ logi so far. Our belly's full, our drinks empty and enough buttsex to last a week, we decide to slow boat back to Assah.
But you see kids, this is where the real story begins. For it is told in the book of Pies, that on a night just like this, when the alpha and the omega are aligned, that there would come a great battle. A battle to rival all others, where a true hero would be born.
But, that is for another post. Until then......
.....It was getting late, very late as we got near the Provi exit. It was time to get some sleep. You know how your mom told you nothing good ever happens after 2am? Well she was right. Nothing good ever happens after 2am. But every once in awhile, something great happens instead
The story you are about to read is real. Some of the names and faces have been changed to protect the innocent. Some of the timeline may be questionable. But when your in a foxhole, time stands still and everything and nothing all happens at the same time. Altean might be able to give a more accurate battle-report but I will try to do this justice. :cripes:
The comms crackled once more. Onsooh is bumpin an Exodus scout calls out. The normal Reverb camp we all thought to ourselves. Some chatter on comms, should we, shouldn't we? Then the scout calls out BS on scan, lots of BS. That doesn't sound like Reverb. Could it be? Yes it could. Broken Toys is hitting the Reverb POS in battleships.
What to do, what to do.... The Dread word is tossed out but both sides decline. You see, we are still early in our dating of Exodus. We don't know each other that well. Silentmike, never silent, says not a fuck can be found and he would solo drop if need be. Instead, he is given a more important task. The scout in Onsooh is not cloaky and we need a warp in. Silent does the Bo Duke slide across the hood of his loki and he is off to Onsooh like Rosco P Coletrain was in chaise.
Silent lands off the POS to see a glorious sight. Row after row of battleship stationary just waiting to be plucked from the sky. the warp in has to be perfect as it's on the other side of the POS from the warp in gate. Not to fear, he got this. With warp-in setup the main fleet jumps Gomati and best speeds to Onsooh. Broken Toys has a scout on the Onsooh gate in Assaboner so we know we are going to need to be quick.
As our fleet jumps Assaboner, a Reverb fleet warps into their POS. The Broken Toys comms must have been going off like crazy with both of those happening at the same time. They began to align out, but not to the Shamahi gate as would be expected. Fleet jump jump Onsooh and warp to silent at your designated ranges can be heard over comms. The fleet drops out of warp right as the BS gang warps off. FUCK!!!!!
Not to worry, they are in BS and we in cruisers. Where can they go that we cannot follow? Scouts are speard out, probes are dropped and the majority of the fleet goes to Shamahi, their logical exit gate. Our original onsooh scout calls out he has them and the order is given to warp in and start grabbing tackle. You could cut the suspense with a knife. Will they run or will they fight. THEY WILL FIGHT I SAY. FOR SPARTA!!!!
I do not know the time for certain, but it was before 06:19 eve time that the battle began, because at 06:19, the valiant blackbird of Sir Tits McGee was assploaded. She was a good ship, a sturdy ship, but no match for the BS of Broken toys. They had first blood. Could we let this stand? Will this stand? No I say, it will not. It will not!
It wasn't long until I hear crys of cyno up echoing across comms. 2 archons in, 2 archons in. Shit Just Got Real Ya'll!
We manage to take down a tempest and 2 cruisers even under archon support. But things were not going well. It took all repping power to overheated to fuck all to keep Altean alive the first time they primaried him. We brought him back from structure the first time. But then it happened.
Exodus is now calling targets.
You see at this time, it is already 06:29. We have been duking it out for over 10 minutes already. We are slowly sliding down a slippery slope. What can be done we are all thinking to ourselves! Exodus asks if we mind if they call in backup. Yes please, but their backup cannot come. Fuck. Without a fuck to give we decide to get our slut on. I have no idea who called it, but spiderman would be proud as a burn was had back to Assah to hop in the Potato gun. 3 dreads are manned including 1 from Exodus and a Nid is powered up. It's time to separate the men from the boys you see.
Exodus raced a cyno from Assah. No one had thought to bring a condom because we don't slut around on first dates. But extraordinary pussy requires extraordinary action. Caps are called to undock as cyno warps in. He is gonna get us 30km off the enemy fleet he says. Cyno up... jump jump jump.... siege red, siege red..... fuck one of the dreads is bumped and flying away fast. DOUBLE FUCK the enemy is 50KM away. Silent loads long range dread ammo and an exodus guy calls out that he is bringing more.
At this point shit is a clusterfuck. We are so far out of range we can't break hardly shit. I think we get the Arazu down that still has a cyno up, but the BS and the carriers are just too far away to put on the damage and they are moving making them hard to get good blows on. Multiple ships are primary. Did I say clusterfuck yet?
Ok, stop, think, what to do. We should have warped dreads off and back in. Fuck, why did I seige. Stop, must think. Then the clouds part and both the angels of fail and glory shined down upon us. Two things happened you see. And together those 2 things would become a symphony of Cruiser and Dread blaps as Reverb would later say in local. If only they knew the truth, the truth of a hero being born.
So what were those two things you asked? First, for some unknown reason, the enemy gang began approaching our sieged dreads. No, seriously. No, I'm not joking. That might have worked out better, but you see, Altean, had transformed from a catapiller Thorax into a magnificent Ashimu butterfly and was just jumping into Onsooh. As the space time continum projecter landed on field, the tide turned. What could previously barely be hit with the dreads, was now MELTING ! Boosh BS down, Boosh BS down. Shit was melting so fast we couldn't even call targets. We had to switch to broadcast to start pre-locking faster.
Broken Toys called for their fleet to bail. And we can see from the killmails the carriers tried to refit to stabs but we had too many points, or they just melted too fast once resists were gone to align out.
Victory had been snatched from the jaws of defeat. Cigars were lit. Faps were had. Field was looted. The last ship had gone down nearly 30 minutes after the fight started. This wasn't no 2 pump chump fight.
I was up for 2 more hours looting the cap mods and fighters of the field. First to a safe spot for cans then next door to a station. Finally at 2:30am I hit the hay.
But I feel dirty now. We had sex on the first date AND we saved a Reverb POS. Now I understand what it means to put in the dirty work.
Well played all, well played. :golfclap: