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Thread: Crusader Kings 3: Game of incest and fancy hats

  1. #101
    Bentguru's Avatar
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    Chronicle of House Melias: 880-
    Labor through the axe


    Count Gregorios of Chios looked at the war table. His prey, the vile Doux Romanos of Ephesos, had made alliances with Doux Niketas of the Aegean islands as well as Doux Theocharistos of Boukellarion. A war on 3 fronts would be difficult, but the Doux of Ephesos was arrogant and had not built up his own personal forces. With careful planning and strategy, Romanos and his allies could be beaten.

    In Spring 885, Gregorious called the banners and struck at his liege lord. Chios banners marched into the Barony of Symra, catching the army of Ephesos encamped and destroying it utterly



    The belligerents



    The Doux of Boukellarion was also soundly defeated in the field, caught while attempting a landing in Chios and his army broken on the shore. Aegea oddly did not respond, a mystery to Gregorious, until the Doux of Sebastia joined Ephesos and sent his army over the water to invade with Aegea. Their combined force mustered ~1700 men, almost double the 1000 fielded by Chios. Luckily, the errant Doux was convinced to go back to his far flung home, and the Aegeans met their death on the shore.



    With their armies broken, Doux Ramonos ceeded the county of Ionia. And for a brief shining moment the Count of Chios was an independant vassal of the emporer. Then we got chucked under the Aegean islands.

    So, House Melias fabricated claims on the county of Abydos to the north and took it without a hard fight in 891. In 893 we declared a liberation war on Aegea while they were simultaneously under attack from the Doux of Achaia. Shortly afterward, Gregorious claimed the title of Doux of Ephesos. In recognition of the Emperor's acknowledgement of the new rightful Doux of Ephesos, Gregorious joined the Emperor's failed attempt to conqure Sicily from the Aghlabid dynasty. The wars were costly for the realm, sadly taking the lives of Gregorious' first and second born sons. Much grief was had, but there was also joy as the new heir to the throne, Innokentios I, was a genius. Some accussed Gregorious of fighting constant warfare and putting his sons on the front line on purpose, noting that he had forbidden Innokentios I from serving as a hetaeriae. These rumors were of course, totally unfounded. Gregorious died in May 899 of natural causes at the age of 54.

    On his death, the realm fragmented between Innokentios and his 2 younger brothers. The stage was set for a great renassiance and expansion of House Melias. Unfortunately, Innokentios was a huge cunt and immediately set about revoking his brother's titles. The younger brother, Alexandros, gave up without a fight. However the older brother, Makarios, chose rebellion over submission. The war was short and brutal, with Makarios thrown in jail and his lands revoked. The realm was united, however all but the capital county of Ionia was devastated and bandits roamed the lands. Furious at this Innokentios' actions, his courtiers were quick to sign onto a foreign plot to kill the king by the newly crowned Despot of Hellas. Innokentios was murdered in 902, a mere 3 years into his reign. The crown passed to his son Innokentios II, a newly born infant who managed to survive a mere 2 years before he was also murdered.

    The crown then passed to Makarios, a decietful and sadistic but temperate man skilled in intrigue and assassinations. Using fear and a few carefully placed bribes the court was stabilized and a network of spies built up to halt to the murders. Well.... murders by foreign powers. Rumors abound that Makarios murdered his wife, then his sister-in-law's husband, prior to marrying his now sister-in-law and wife. Anyway the point is no more Melias died and the persistent rumors did wonders for convincing people not to oppose him.

    Sadly, the realm still bled, and many many years were dedicated to restoring a modicum of control of the Duchy's counties. During this time Makarios was visited by a vision from a heavenly angel. The angel lifted him in the sky and bore him across the straight, they marvelled at the towers of Constantinople before being taken further, far across the european continent. They stopped over a wide river, and the Angel explained that here was the palace of the great conqueror Charlemagne, now fallen into disrepair with the pagan scandinavian hordes baying at the gate. Makarios asked what God intended for him, and was told that he was to go on a great generational crusade to conquer, spread the orthodox faith, and restore the old Holy Roman Empire. Makarios swore that he and his sons would accomplish this task.

    Doux Makarios made preparations and sailed with his men, making war on the Kingdom of Alba in 917. After a hard war the Queen of the realm surrendered the County of Cleves to the Doux. The Byzantine empire now has a bastion on the banks of the Rhine, and further hard conquests against the pagans and christians are sure to follow.

  2. #102
    Bentguru's Avatar
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    we playing today?

  3. #103
    Nobody_Holme's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bentguru View Post
    we playing today?
    Hard maybe, but if no fuckers show everyone else can watch you drive around aimlessly in a tank while I research artillery.

  4. #104
    LobbyZ's Avatar
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    I am king, took over razors kingdom.
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  5. #105
    Movember 2012 Elriche Oshego's Avatar
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    My fellow Despots, true men of God followers of the faith we must not let this low, foul, Doux take the title of King from the true lord of his realms, Razor. To let such an egregious action stand would soil all of our crowns in all respects. As men of the Roman Empire I implore you to remember your oaths to the Empire!
    Last edited by Elriche Oshego; September 27 2020 at 07:50:05 AM.

  6. #106
    Lachesis VII's Avatar
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    There are plenty of kingdoms to go around. If razor needs a title we can get him another kingdom. Iíve got half a dozen kingdom titles I can create and grant.
    Last edited by Lachesis VII; September 27 2020 at 05:57:53 PM.

  7. #107
    LobbyZ's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elriche Oshego View Post
    My fellow Despots, true men of God followers of the faith we must not let this low, foul, Doux take the title of King from the true lord of his realms, Razor. To let such an egregious action stand would soil all of our crowns in all respects. As men of the Roman Empire I implore you to remember your oaths to the Empire!
    Didnt you kill Despot Shaftoes? By "accident"? Real men of God do not kill fellow Christians.
    [marquee][/marquee]

  8. #108
    Bentguru's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LobbyZ View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Elriche Oshego View Post
    My fellow Despots, true men of God followers of the faith we must not let this low, foul, Doux take the title of King from the true lord of his realms, Razor. To let such an egregious action stand would soil all of our crowns in all respects. As men of the Roman Empire I implore you to remember your oaths to the Empire!
    Didnt you kill Despot Shaftoes? By "accident"? Real men of God do not kill fellow Christians.
    "He fell onto my knife! Four times!" is what I remember hearing at the feast.

  9. #109
    Movember 2012 Elriche Oshego's Avatar
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    I don't believe in Heretics

    Not even an option to simply insult him or wound him. I tried so hard to not murder any PCs and then the game forces me to do it.... pretty stupid.

  10. #110
    LobbyZ's Avatar
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    Despot LobbyZ did nothing wrong
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  11. #111
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    Quote Originally Posted by Elriche Oshego View Post
    I don't believe in Heretics

    Not even an option to simply insult him or wound him. I tried so hard to not murder any PCs and then the game forces me to do it.... pretty stupid.
    And herein lies the error of your attempt at a pacifist run. Sometimes you have to be prepared to make sacrifices when they're someone else.

  12. #112
    Bentguru's Avatar
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    Chronical of the House of Melios : 920-964

    With a base of operations secured in the county of Kleves Doux Makarios looked toward expanding the kingdom. Efforts were made to claim the neighboring archbishopric of Cologne, and unexpectedly produced a semi-legitamate claim on the entire duchy of Lower Lorraine. After a pitched battle in Trier against the forces of the weakened Kingdom of Lotharingia King Silos capitualtied and the duchy was seized. Ravens were quickly sent to the Archbishop of Cologne ordering him to turn over his lands and titles, which led to a rebellion of the entire newly conquered duchy. An unexpected force of mercenaries under the employ of the rebels led to a rare defeat, but control was quickly re-established over the rebellious vassals and the counties of Cologne, Koblenz, Berg, and Dortmund were seized. Prince-Bishop Ognjen, the leader of the rebellion, did not fare well in his imprisonment.



    After the war relatives were put on the respective thrones, with the Doux keeping Cologne and Koblenz for himself. Peace would reign for the next 5 years while the wounds on the land healed before a weakened Kingdome of Alba presented another opportunity and the county of Aachen, home to the palace of Charlemagne, was taken after a short conflict.

    During this decade, the pagan kingdom of Denmark made massive gains in the region, conquering the entirety of the kingdom of Lotharingia. This resulted in the newly conquered lands being totally surrounded by a the massive Denmark kingdom, backed by an army of 10000 men strong. Military victory of the pagans was not possible as the new lands needed to be brought under control and built up, so instead Makarios kidnapped the Danish King Yngvar.



    With the realm secured against danish invasion, Doux Makarios settled down for a long period of infrastructure buildup and army reform. He was interrupted by missives from the other Byzantine Despots regarding a plot to overthrow the Makadon Emperors. Duke Basileios of Armeniac (Lachesis) was voted to assume the thrown, and faced with a united rebellion of virtually all his powerful vassals the Makadon Emperor abdicated. Makarios was then appointed the new Spymaster of the empire and went on a multi-year murder spree against the remaining Makadons on the orders of the new emperor.

    As the decades past the new lands became strong as Doux Makarios grew older. His last acts included conquering Maastrict, one of the last few Alban enclaves bordering the Ephesoian lands, and murdering his inept grandson and son so the crown would pass to the far more capable Makarios II. Makarios I would pass at the age of 68 on September 19th, 956 AD. A rotten, vile murder to the core, but what the realm needed

    Doux Makarios II took the throne at the tender age of 15 and quickly proved himself a military genius.



    He inherited a large standing army from his namesake, and decided that the time had come to throw the pagan Danish out of rightful christian lands.



    Makarios II took personal command of the army and lead it to a series of glorious victories against separated Danish armies.



    After two years of abject humilation the Danish king capitualited and the entirety of the Duchy of Lower lorraine was seized by the army. Truely Makarios has a glorious future.

  13. #113
    Brockosaurus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lachesis VII View Post
    There are plenty of kingdoms to go around. If razor needs a title we can get him another kingdom. I’ve got half a dozen kingdom titles I can create and grant.
    My Liege,

    I beseech you to grant me a higher title. My lord the Despot of Wallachia is not fit to rule over me, nor my kin. In fact, the scoundrel has stolen his seat (in Croatia!) from land I conquered on the frontier and granted to my son and heir, having no land of his own and coming into inheritance of the Wallachian title through most dubious means.

    I beg you, grant me a Kingdom in the Holy Lands, on the front line! Unleash me against the heathen enemies of Rome; send me where my riders will fill their hearts with our arrows!! I yearn for nothing more than to serve in your holy Crusade against the enemies of God!

    Your faithful servant,

    Lord Turda of Oltenia
    You should only be harsh when, as often happens, kindness proves useless.
    -Prince Eugene of Savoy

  14. #114
    Bentguru's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brockosaurus View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Lachesis VII View Post
    There are plenty of kingdoms to go around. If razor needs a title we can get him another kingdom. I’ve got half a dozen kingdom titles I can create and grant.
    My Liege,

    I beseech you to grant me a higher title. My lord the Despot of Wallachia is not fit to rule over me, nor my kin. In fact, the scoundrel has stolen his seat (in Croatia!) from land I conquered on the frontier and granted to my son and heir, having no land of his own and coming into inheritance of the Wallachian title through most dubious means.

    I beg you, grant me a Kingdom in the Holy Lands, on the front line! Unleash me against the heathen enemies of Rome; send me where my riders will fill their hearts with our arrows!! I yearn for nothing more than to serve in your holy Crusade against the enemies of God!

    Your faithful servant,

    Lord Turda of Oltenia
    simp

  15. #115
    Nobody_Holme's Avatar
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    Inferior heathens, they deserve charity only when they learn to properly armour their horses.

  16. #116
    Movember '11 Best Facial Hair, Best 'Tache Movember 2011Movember 2012Donor helgur's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nobody_Holme View Post
    Inferior heathens, they deserve charity only when they learn to properly armour their horses.
    Or stop singing songs that are exclusively made up of vowels

  17. #117
    Bentguru's Avatar
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    rip old game.

    Long live game of turbans.

  18. #118
    LobbyZ's Avatar
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    Long live turbans.
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  19. #119
    Brockosaurus's Avatar
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    Round 2 - Game of Turbans - ended when I got a ridiculously good intrigue heir (Arbitrary+Wrathful+something else), he got the top education and came out with 22 Intrigue. Many schemes followed, mostly targeting Bentguru to my south, in the OP lands around Madurai. Eventually he got pissed off and ragequit which was entirely reasonable.

    Sadly half my schemes still failed despite 80% or higher odds in both columns. Many detections at low odds too. I suspect the rolls are weighted against chain intrigue somehow.

    Also it sucks there was nothing else to do with Intrigue. I tried marrying our kids several times with a fabricated Hook and Bent could just refuse it (didn't consume the hook). I tried using it to force education of his heir too (was going to give him crummy traits obvi, which would be mean but at least amusing) and he could just refuse. Even after eventually abducting him there weren't really any good options, just Torture, Execute or Release/Ransom. If there were more options in the intrigue game, if Hooks actually worked, and some aspects were nerfed (perma-Dread, move Fabricate Hook down the tree, Agents are OP), then Intrigue would be in a better place.

    (Also the Agents interface sucks, you have to click every one to see if the 'Use Hook' option is there.)

    GGs all around!
    You should only be harsh when, as often happens, kindness proves useless.
    -Prince Eugene of Savoy

  20. #120
    Bentguru's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brockosaurus View Post
    Round 2 - Game of Turbans - ended when I got a ridiculously good intrigue heir (Arbitrary+Wrathful+something else), he got the top education and came out with 22 Intrigue. Many schemes followed, mostly targeting Bentguru to my south, in the OP lands around Madurai. Eventually he got pissed off and ragequit which was entirely reasonable.

    Sadly half my schemes still failed despite 80% or higher odds in both columns. Many detections at low odds too. I suspect the rolls are weighted against chain intrigue somehow.

    Also it sucks there was nothing else to do with Intrigue. I tried marrying our kids several times with a fabricated Hook and Bent could just refuse it (didn't consume the hook). I tried using it to force education of his heir too (was going to give him crummy traits obvi, which would be mean but at least amusing) and he could just refuse. Even after eventually abducting him there weren't really any good options, just Torture, Execute or Release/Ransom. If there were more options in the intrigue game, if Hooks actually worked, and some aspects were nerfed (perma-Dread, move Fabricate Hook down the tree, Agents are OP), then Intrigue would be in a better place.

    (Also the Agents interface sucks, you have to click every one to see if the 'Use Hook' option is there.)

    GGs all around!
    ggs, tldr intrigue OP. even with +100 relations brock still got my wife and daughter (who was my spymaster) to assassinate me.

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