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Thread: Embarassing things

  1. #121
    Sp4m's Avatar
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    I pulled a beautiful czech girl in amsterdam but it turned out i'd done too much cocaine and spent the next 45 mins giving her oral.

    so she came, said she'd return the favour in the morning, we slept, really uncomfrotably on a 2 person sofa.

    she woke up before me and had a trial day at a job at like 7.

    so my gay best friend walks in at about 8:30 and said, "so, good night???"

    i was like... fuck... shes gone?
    FUCK.

    didn't even get her number.

  2. #122
    Duckslayer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by thebomby View Post
    Back in 1995 I had both my hips replaced with artificial ones in one year. Each time, about 6 months after the op, I shat myself out of the blue exactly once, for some unknown reason. Maybe late reaction to anesthesia. Who knows. First time I was living up the side of a mountain here in Switzerlol and was walking down the hill to the hospital for physio. Bang, crap in my pants. Wtf? About two seconds later a car pulls up and there are two nuns in it who offer me a lift. I get in and they drive off. A couple of minutes later, one of the nuns says that they've started putting manure on the fields early this year....

    Second time, I was sharing a flat with two girls. Going down the stairs and bang, shat my pants again. Again wtf? The building was an old Swiss worker's house with the toilets in the stairwell halfway between the floors. I go in, take off my pants, wipe my arse, and think, ok, it's only half a flight up to our flat, should be ok. I walk up the stairs, naked from the waist down with my underpants in my hand, enter the flat, and lo and behold, my one flatmate is standing at the stove in the kitchen which is right next to the front door, wearing only a pink slip, purple high heeled shoes and a tiny tank top. So there's me naked with my shit-stained underpants in my hand, and her there in that half porno garb. We just stared at one another for a few seconds....

    I can't get it up, gotta get it up (sung to the tune of the Rolling Stones). In 2000, I was working for a completely fucked up internet company in Berlin, Germany. I had terrible blue balls due to this Russian woman at work who just made me so want to fuck her, I felt like exploding or dying or something. One night, I'm out with the sysadmin for drinks and proceed to get somewhat hammered. On my way home later, I think, hey, I could screw a hooker and that would surely help, no? Berlin centre has a fair amount of hookers, so I go past two of them, somewhat nervous, this not being my usual hobby. One girl ask me "Should we have some fun?". Being drunk, I thought she meant both of them at once, and I of course said yes. We proceed to the house of fuk 4 munni and into the bedroom. We all undress and they decide amongst themselves who will suck and who will fuck. And then, despite their best efforts, I could just not get it up. Stage fright or booze, I don't know. In absolute utter embarrassment I got dressed and left. They were pretty nice about it "happens all the time, don't worry" and they should have been, as it cost 600 Deutsche Mark....

    In 1992, I was living in Rotterdam, Holland. I had just met my then girlfriend and we were in her flat and she gave me a blow job before we went to a pub where a band was playing. During the performance I realised she had my dried semen above her lip. I didn't say anything.

    There's lots more. My life has been a series of continual embarrassments, but I've discovered that the more one worries about them, the worse they are.


    quality combination of awkward sexual shenanigans and poop

    Quote Originally Posted by Sp4m View Post
    I pulled a beautiful czech girl in amsterdam but it turned out i'd done too much cocaine and spent the next 45 mins giving her oral.

    so she came, said she'd return the favour in the morning, we slept, really uncomfrotably on a 2 person sofa.

    she woke up before me and had a trial day at a job at like 7.

    so my gay best friend walks in at about 8:30 and said, "so, good night???"

    i was like... fuck... shes gone?
    FUCK.

    didn't even get her number.
    another lame humblebrag.

  3. #123
    Sp4m's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Duckslayer View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by thebomby View Post
    Back in 1995 I had both my hips replaced with artificial ones in one year. Each time, about 6 months after the op, I shat myself out of the blue exactly once, for some unknown reason. Maybe late reaction to anesthesia. Who knows. First time I was living up the side of a mountain here in Switzerlol and was walking down the hill to the hospital for physio. Bang, crap in my pants. Wtf? About two seconds later a car pulls up and there are two nuns in it who offer me a lift. I get in and they drive off. A couple of minutes later, one of the nuns says that they've started putting manure on the fields early this year....

    Second time, I was sharing a flat with two girls. Going down the stairs and bang, shat my pants again. Again wtf? The building was an old Swiss worker's house with the toilets in the stairwell halfway between the floors. I go in, take off my pants, wipe my arse, and think, ok, it's only half a flight up to our flat, should be ok. I walk up the stairs, naked from the waist down with my underpants in my hand, enter the flat, and lo and behold, my one flatmate is standing at the stove in the kitchen which is right next to the front door, wearing only a pink slip, purple high heeled shoes and a tiny tank top. So there's me naked with my shit-stained underpants in my hand, and her there in that half porno garb. We just stared at one another for a few seconds....

    I can't get it up, gotta get it up (sung to the tune of the Rolling Stones). In 2000, I was working for a completely fucked up internet company in Berlin, Germany. I had terrible blue balls due to this Russian woman at work who just made me so want to fuck her, I felt like exploding or dying or something. One night, I'm out with the sysadmin for drinks and proceed to get somewhat hammered. On my way home later, I think, hey, I could screw a hooker and that would surely help, no? Berlin centre has a fair amount of hookers, so I go past two of them, somewhat nervous, this not being my usual hobby. One girl ask me "Should we have some fun?". Being drunk, I thought she meant both of them at once, and I of course said yes. We proceed to the house of fuk 4 munni and into the bedroom. We all undress and they decide amongst themselves who will suck and who will fuck. And then, despite their best efforts, I could just not get it up. Stage fright or booze, I don't know. In absolute utter embarrassment I got dressed and left. They were pretty nice about it "happens all the time, don't worry" and they should have been, as it cost 600 Deutsche Mark....

    In 1992, I was living in Rotterdam, Holland. I had just met my then girlfriend and we were in her flat and she gave me a blow job before we went to a pub where a band was playing. During the performance I realised she had my dried semen above her lip. I didn't say anything.

    There's lots more. My life has been a series of continual embarrassments, but I've discovered that the more one worries about them, the worse they are.


    quality combination of awkward sexual shenanigans and poop

    Quote Originally Posted by Sp4m View Post
    I pulled a beautiful czech girl in amsterdam but it turned out i'd done too much cocaine and spent the next 45 mins giving her oral.

    so she came, said she'd return the favour in the morning, we slept, really uncomfrotably on a 2 person sofa.

    she woke up before me and had a trial day at a job at like 7.

    so my gay best friend walks in at about 8:30 and said, "so, good night???"

    i was like... fuck... shes gone?
    FUCK.

    didn't even get her number.
    another lame humblebrag.
    i dont have any poop stories sorry :/

  4. #124
    Ben Derindar's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sp4m View Post
    i dont have any poop stories sorry :/
    Luckily we have yonder poo thread for those.

  5. #125
    Super Moderator DonorGlobal Moderator whispous's Avatar
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    I was walking from the shop I work in to get a Kit-Kat chunky across the road and I heard 2 cars beep at each other.
    In my head, I thought amusingly "They're having a horn-off".
    I was walking behind a young woman, and immediately after smiling to myself, I said out loud "Horn-off".

  6. #126

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    So back when I was a teenager I had sex with my girlfriend in her parents living room. We didn't dispose of the condom as diligently as we should have.

    That evening when we got back to her place I had an...interesting reception.

    It turns out during the day her parents dog had found said rubber. It hadn't just found it, it had decided to play with it. Well, not play with it so much as go mental with it.

    You know the way dogs can get when they get a swingable toy in their mouth and attempt a horizontal impression of professional headbanger listening to the end of bohemian rhapsody? The four-legged little shit had done that. With my used condom in its mouth.

    I had christened their living room in more ways than one. Anointed it, you might even say.

    The walls were still damp from the cleansing when I got there.

  7. #127
    Alex Caine's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nicholai Pestot View Post
    So back when I was a teenager I had sex with my girlfriend in her parents living room. We didn't dispose of the condom as diligently as we should have.

    That evening when we got back to her place I had an...interesting reception.

    It turns out during the day her parents dog had found said rubber. It hadn't just found it, it had decided to play with it. Well, not play with it so much as go mental with it.

    You know the way dogs can get when they get a swingable toy in their mouth and attempt a horizontal impression of professional headbanger listening to the end of bohemian rhapsody? The four-legged little shit had done that. With my used condom in its mouth.

    I had christened their living room in more ways than one. Anointed it, you might even say.

    The walls were still damp from the cleansing when I got there.
    Magnificent.

  8. #128
    Sacul's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Alex Caine View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Nicholai Pestot View Post
    So back when I was a teenager I had sex with my girlfriend in her parents living room. We didn't dispose of the condom as diligently as we should have.

    That evening when we got back to her place I had an...interesting reception.

    It turns out during the day her parents dog had found said rubber. It hadn't just found it, it had decided to play with it. Well, not play with it so much as go mental with it.

    You know the way dogs can get when they get a swingable toy in their mouth and attempt a horizontal impression of professional headbanger listening to the end of bohemian rhapsody? The four-legged little shit had done that. With my used condom in its mouth.

    I had christened their living room in more ways than one. Anointed it, you might even say.

    The walls were still damp from the cleansing when I got there.
    Magnificent.
    Especially considering a load is two to four milliliters.......did you come ten times in one condom?

    Verstuurd vanaf mijn LENNY2 met Tapatalk
    Schopenhauer:

    All truth passes through three stages.
    First, it is ridiculed.
    Second, it is violently opposed.
    Third, it is accepted as being self-evident..

  9. #129

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    Quote Originally Posted by Sacul View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Alex Caine View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Nicholai Pestot View Post
    So back when I was a teenager I had sex with my girlfriend in her parents living room. We didn't dispose of the condom as diligently as we should have.

    That evening when we got back to her place I had an...interesting reception.

    It turns out during the day her parents dog had found said rubber. It hadn't just found it, it had decided to play with it. Well, not play with it so much as go mental with it.

    You know the way dogs can get when they get a swingable toy in their mouth and attempt a horizontal impression of professional headbanger listening to the end of bohemian rhapsody? The four-legged little shit had done that. With my used condom in its mouth.

    I had christened their living room in more ways than one. Anointed it, you might even say.

    The walls were still damp from the cleansing when I got there.
    Magnificent.
    Especially considering a load is two to four milliliters.......did you come ten times in one condom?

    Verstuurd vanaf mijn LENNY2 met Tapatalk
    Imagine a mix of me, her and the stuff that's already on a condom, spattered finely across floor, furniture, wall and pet.

    That's how it was described to me. All I saw was the post-cleaning aftermath.

    I assumed they cleaned more then they technically had to, because who would want to risk missing a spot?

  10. #130
    Donor Rami's Avatar
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    Had a fling with a mate's sister at a big party at their farm. We went in a tool shed and there was a raised platform in one part of it that had really old dusty junk (and some floor space in the middle). Anyway, she's down there, I'm having a good time, then her 3 brothers (1 being my still-today mate) AND her father walk in. They spend the next 5 minutes arguing that one of them was sure we'd gone in there. I could SEE the top of their heads in the gloom, and she kept at it the whole fucking time, albeit slowly.

    Apparently the fact that they'd nearly caught is made it so much better for her I had the most sheepish look on my face when we eventually went back to the party (separately).

  11. #131
    XenosisMk4's Avatar
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    y'all are pretty not-gay for FHC, i'm dissapointed

  12. #132
    Super Baderator DonorGlobal Moderator cullnean's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by XenosisMk4 View Post
    y'all are pretty not-gay for FHC, i'm dissapointed
    That's why we keep you, faggot.
    Quote Originally Posted by Elriche Oshego View Post
    Cullneshi the god of shitposting.

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