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  1. #21
    Malcanis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Helen View Post
    Got my decree absolute through the post last week, so I'm now officially divorced.
    Figured with getting my own flat and a bit of a pay boost at work things would be looking up for me, but the ex wants more money while I want more time with my daughter. Something she just won't budge on, anyone divorced with kids want to chime in on how to handle this situation?
    I don't mind paying in a bit more for my daughter but I'm sick of only getting 3.5 hours on a weekend and 1.5 hours once per week. She had a go at me earlier about the way I communicate with my daughter when it comes to being "serious" and she doesn't like how my daughter bounces off the wall all hyper excited when I visit but she doesn't get that me being more of a dad requires more time not less and she'd calm down a lot more if we had more time together.
    Only experience I had was a friend whose ex would constantly make him jump by threatening to not let him see his kid on the weekend. Eventually I told him next time she did this to say "Oh well I'm sorry you feel that way, maybe next weekend"

    he did

    Oh dear, were you planning a party weekend like you do every weekend love? Well that's a shame, you'd better cancel that.

    cut the bullshit down about ~80% as far as I could see.

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by Helen View Post
    Got my decree absolute through the post last week, so I'm now officially divorced.
    Figured with getting my own flat and a bit of a pay boost at work things would be looking up for me, but the ex wants more money while I want more time with my daughter. Something she just won't budge on, anyone divorced with kids want to chime in on how to handle this situation?
    I don't mind paying in a bit more for my daughter but I'm sick of only getting 3.5 hours on a weekend and 1.5 hours once per week. She had a go at me earlier about the way I communicate with my daughter when it comes to being "serious" and she doesn't like how my daughter bounces off the wall all hyper excited when I visit but she doesn't get that me being more of a dad requires more time not less and she'd calm down a lot more if we had more time together.

    is it a case of more money for more time. If you are willing to pay a bit more make sure its stuff for your daughter that's needed like school shoes, dance lessons etc not just cash or a deposit into an account. Make sure to keep all receipts.

    Has their been a discussion of what your daughter thinks/wants and not the assumption of whats best for her. Of course she would be excited to see you if she doesn't see you that often

    Try to keep communication open between you and your ex. If possible don't let anyone mediate as it usually becomes 'he said she said'. Always think of the long game (a happy daughter).

    To you she is your ex, to your daughter she is her mother, try not to lower yourself to cheap shots and nasty outbursts.

  3. #23
    Helen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by username01 View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Helen View Post
    Got my decree absolute through the post last week, so I'm now officially divorced.
    Figured with getting my own flat and a bit of a pay boost at work things would be looking up for me, but the ex wants more money while I want more time with my daughter. Something she just won't budge on, anyone divorced with kids want to chime in on how to handle this situation?
    I don't mind paying in a bit more for my daughter but I'm sick of only getting 3.5 hours on a weekend and 1.5 hours once per week. She had a go at me earlier about the way I communicate with my daughter when it comes to being "serious" and she doesn't like how my daughter bounces off the wall all hyper excited when I visit but she doesn't get that me being more of a dad requires more time not less and she'd calm down a lot more if we had more time together.

    is it a case of more money for more time. If you are willing to pay a bit more make sure its stuff for your daughter that's needed like school shoes, dance lessons etc not just cash or a deposit into an account. Make sure to keep all receipts.

    Has their been a discussion of what your daughter thinks/wants and not the assumption of whats best for her. Of course she would be excited to see you if she doesn't see you that often

    Try to keep communication open between you and your ex. If possible don't let anyone mediate as it usually becomes 'he said she said'. Always think of the long game (a happy daughter).

    To you she is your ex, to your daughter she is her mother, try not to lower yourself to cheap shots and nasty outbursts.
    I'll go into a bit more detail, my parents divorced when I was a teenager so I know full well how bad it is when parents fight in front of their children so I made and continue to make the point that if she want's to vent at me for something then its done out of sight and ear shot of our daughter who incidentally is less than 2 years old so isn't really able to communicate what she wants at this stage.

    I made and make notes of issues in a diary and have not gone at all down the legal route except for having a lawyer draft a letter (not required in the end because she got told by her parents that court would be expensive and would only back fire as I've been beyond reasonable while she makes any excuse to deny me more time with my daughter).

    Little bit more back story. We were together for 5 years and had been married for 2 years, last year at this same time of year we had a decision to make which I think was the worst one ever. My ex wanted to work again but failed to find work in the local area as a teacher or even as a tutor (she got as far as making a facebook page for it and didn't advertise or communicate it to anyone). Her parents (both retired teachers at private schools) pushed for her to work in a private school again something she wanted but was lacking in our immediate area in Devon, she got an interview for a job in the East Midlands and we apparently had to make a decision within two days of her being offered the job to accept it.
    Sadly I didn't stand up for my own belief that we were better served down in Devon with my own fairly well paid job (considering qualifications) and her actually finding suitable work nearby. In the end the stress of trying to buy a house while selling one and moving to an area where neither of us had family/friends while I had to give up my full time job so she could take a part time teaching job and I then had the extra stress of finding work.

    I'm not happy about how things ended, mostly pissed off with myself for rolling over than fighting my corner. It's annoying to see people who are violent get more time with their kids than I do, I could be a complete ass about the whole situation as I know she is financially dependent on my money to keep our daughter in her nursery (allowing her to work the 3 days a week) but the last thing I want is less time with my daughter and for her to miss out on the experience she gets at nursery.

    At 33 years old I'm now facing a situation where I'm existing but not living my life. This past weekend encapsulated everything that is wrong with this situation as I spent two entire days trying to not spend money (dentist bills incoming!) doing absolutely nothing productive while my ex struggled with keeping my daughter entertained.
    I've been on tour with the army and seen my own share of crap, I've had heartbreak before but nothing has ever hit me so hard as only seeing my daughter a couple times a week when up until last year I was with her every day since she was born.

    Long post but feels good to get it off my chest even if no one gives much of a shit.

  4. #24
    Pegging Specialist Donor indi's Avatar
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    Helen, if it helps - reading that made me give a shit allright and I'm sure others too. You can't be a decent human being, read that and not care a little.

    I wish I could offer you something useful. All I can think of is that if you can't work it out with your ex in conversation, in the end only the legal route remains. Between the lines I read that your parents in law seem reasonable people. Can you somehow rope them in to help you? Your ex-wife clearly isn't entirely rational about it: she struggles to keep your daughter entertained, you are the father and willing to do that for her and she denies you. Do you have any idea (other than resentment) why that is? If there's anything you can do about it, maybe it helps.

    I hope you will see your daughter more often. My dad died when I was young (that just is, it's nobody's fault). It annoys me no end when people like your ex don't see what a gift it is to a child to have two living, caring parents. Of course I'm assuming loads of things here, that's my own prejudices talking.

  5. #25
    Donor cullnean's Avatar
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    Stop being a pussy scaleyback, put on a batman suit and go full father's for justice.



    Sent from my LG-D802 using Tapatalk

  6. #26
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    Sounds shit Helen but yeah... moving a fairly long way so your mrs can get a part time job when you already have a decent job is

    My mrs often wants to move closer to her family and pines on about it, but as the winner of much of our bread I have to remind her that it's tough tits and if she wants to live with her family then she can get a divorce.

  7. #27
    Movember 2012 Stoffl's Avatar
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    Smuggo McManpants

  8. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Stoffl View Post
    Smuggo McManpants
    It's a fucking retarded pipedream that is never gonna happen. I dunno why she goes on about it TBH since she seems to like spending my money well enough.

  9. #29
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Stoffl View Post
    Smuggo McManpants
    It's a fucking retarded pipedream that is never gonna happen. I dunno why she goes on about it TBH since she seems to like spending my money well enough.
    Women in charge of cognitive dissonance nbs
      Spoiler:

  10. #30
    Pegging Specialist Donor indi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Stoffl View Post
    Smuggo McManpants
    It's a fucking retarded pipedream that is never gonna happen. I dunno why she goes on about it TBH since she seems to like spending my money well enough.
    Quote Originally Posted by Keckers View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Stoffl View Post
    Smuggo McManpants
    It's a fucking retarded pipedream that is never gonna happen. I dunno why she goes on about it TBH since she seems to like spending my money well enough.
    Women in charge of cognitive dissonance nbs
    Maybe she hopes you can both get jerbs closer to the family? You act as if the status quo can never be changed. Perhaps that's true, but usually it isn't. In my mind a marriage is a partnership where you take important decisions together with respect for each other's interests and the interest of the partnership. Not sure if the image others sometimes paint here is an internet front or the truth, but I'm not jelly of it. Perhaps it helps that in our relationship the input is more or less equal, including financial.

    Meanwhile off to start my own new jerb tomorrow. Don't know what to expect. They gave me a contract without trial period, however, as they considered in an insult to my track record not to. I told them we have a different idea of insults and accepted anyway. So whatever tomorrow brings, it's risk free

  11. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by indi View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Stoffl View Post
    Smuggo McManpants
    It's a fucking retarded pipedream that is never gonna happen. I dunno why she goes on about it TBH since she seems to like spending my money well enough.
    Quote Originally Posted by Keckers View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Stoffl View Post
    Smuggo McManpants
    It's a fucking retarded pipedream that is never gonna happen. I dunno why she goes on about it TBH since she seems to like spending my money well enough.
    Women in charge of cognitive dissonance nbs
    Maybe she hopes you can both get jerbs closer to the family? You act as if the status quo can never be changed. Perhaps that's true, but usually it isn't. In my mind a marriage is a partnership where you take important decisions together with respect for each other's interests and the interest of the partnership. Not sure if the image others sometimes paint here is an internet front or the truth, but I'm not jelly of it. Perhaps it helps that in our relationship the input is more or less equal, including financial.

    Meanwhile off to start my own new jerb tomorrow. Don't know what to expect. They gave me a contract without trial period, however, as they considered in an insult to my track record not to. I told them we have a different idea of insults and accepted anyway. So whatever tomorrow brings, it's risk free
    Nope. In my field I pretty much have to work in London and my commute is long enough as it is, not making it longer by moving to fucking Sussex.

  12. #32
    Pegging Specialist Donor indi's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Nope. In my field I pretty much have to work in London and my commute is long enough as it is, not making it longer by moving to fucking Sussex.
    Well, it never hurts to keep an eye open but if that's the case, then there's not much point in moving, no. I'd assume she'd understand that as well, in that case.

  13. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by indi View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Nope. In my field I pretty much have to work in London and my commute is long enough as it is, not making it longer by moving to fucking Sussex.
    Well, it never hurts to keep an eye open but if that's the case, then there's not much point in moving, no. I'd assume she'd understand that as well, in that case.
    Rational thought is not her strong point.

  14. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by indi View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Nope. In my field I pretty much have to work in London and my commute is long enough as it is, not making it longer by moving to fucking Sussex.
    Well, it never hurts to keep an eye open but if that's the case, then there's not much point in moving, no. I'd assume she'd understand that as well, in that case.
    Rational thought is not her strong point.
    She married you so that goes without saying
      Spoiler:

  15. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keckers View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by indi View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Nope. In my field I pretty much have to work in London and my commute is long enough as it is, not making it longer by moving to fucking Sussex.
    Well, it never hurts to keep an eye open but if that's the case, then there's not much point in moving, no. I'd assume she'd understand that as well, in that case.
    Rational thought is not her strong point.
    She married you so that goes without saying

  16. #36
    Movember 2012 Stoffl's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keckers View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by indi View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Nope. In my field I pretty much have to work in London and my commute is long enough as it is, not making it longer by moving to fucking Sussex.
    Well, it never hurts to keep an eye open but if that's the case, then there's not much point in moving, no. I'd assume she'd understand that as well, in that case.
    Rational thought is not her strong point.
    She married you so that goes without saying

  17. #37
    Straight Hustlin's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keckers View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by indi View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Nope. In my field I pretty much have to work in London and my commute is long enough as it is, not making it longer by moving to fucking Sussex.
    Well, it never hurts to keep an eye open but if that's the case, then there's not much point in moving, no. I'd assume she'd understand that as well, in that case.
    Rational thought is not her strong point.
    She married you so that goes without saying

  18. #38
    Donor Spaztick's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Keckers View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by indi View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by Smuggo View Post
    Nope. In my field I pretty much have to work in London and my commute is long enough as it is, not making it longer by moving to fucking Sussex.
    Well, it never hurts to keep an eye open but if that's the case, then there's not much point in moving, no. I'd assume she'd understand that as well, in that case.
    Rational thought is not her strong point.
    She married you so that goes without saying
    Quote Originally Posted by Shiodome View Post
    Agreeing with w0lf.
    XENOSISRAPER FAN CLUB

  19. #39
    Helen's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by indi View Post
    Helen, if it helps - reading that made me give a shit allright and I'm sure others too. You can't be a decent human being, read that and not care a little.

    I wish I could offer you something useful. All I can think of is that if you can't work it out with your ex in conversation, in the end only the legal route remains. Between the lines I read that your parents in law seem reasonable people. Can you somehow rope them in to help you? Your ex-wife clearly isn't entirely rational about it: she struggles to keep your daughter entertained, you are the father and willing to do that for her and she denies you. Do you have any idea (other than resentment) why that is? If there's anything you can do about it, maybe it helps.

    I hope you will see your daughter more often. My dad died when I was young (that just is, it's nobody's fault). It annoys me no end when people like your ex don't see what a gift it is to a child to have two living, caring parents. Of course I'm assuming loads of things here, that's my own prejudices talking.
    After talking to her about why she doesn't want me spending more time with my daughter it boils down to "you wind her up and she bounces off the walls the rest of the day after you see her" which in my mind can only be solved one way and it isn't by spending less time with my daughter.

    I think I'll have to look at writing a letter explaining my position clearly and hope that she shows her parents it so they can talk her around to my position, everything is very much in her court when it comes to contact and it's very difficult to make her see any way but her way.

    Quote Originally Posted by cullnean View Post
    Stop being a pussy scaleyback, put on a batman suit and go full father's for justice.



    Sent from my LG-D802 using Tapatalk
    Mate this sounds like a reply from the ARRSE forum, except way tamer.

  20. #40
    Donor lt's Avatar
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    Dude, what the fuck.

    You were 2 making that child, you have as much right to your child as she does.
    Coming soon(tm).


    <3 Entrox.

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